What can be missing?

What is this feeling of feeling the space around you so small that you just need to get out? 

No matter how much you like your home, your partner, your life, that intense feeling that something is constantly not right. The feeling that you’re chasing something that you can’t even grasp. Does that feeling ever go away?  

Some desire is missing they say.  

I have settled for too little.  

But how come I always feel that I’m asking too much from myself? Should I be asking for even more? I already feel burnt out. Even if I add more things, I have a feeling that after some time it still won’t be enough and all I’ll be left with is the overwhelm.  

This feeling that I’m constantly chasing time, but I don’t know what I’ll do with it even if I catch it. Is this how life is going to be? 

I think I miss those days when I didn’t have to take any responsibility for my life. If you’re somewhat lucky, it’s hard to let go of this feeling that someone else will take care of everything. And the cost up until one point is minimal. But as time passes, the cost gets bigger and bigger. And it seems so easy to have someone else take care of everything. But where does that leave you? With an ever-increasing emptiness? 

And how to reach that point where you want to take care of things but you’re always on the verge of getting overwhelmed by them. Did I add too much? Should I add more? If I let go of something, am I letting go of my whole life? I’m scared to do more things. How will I escape them if something goes wrong? Why do I need to control everything? 

How can I let go? Those never-ending expectations I alone put on myself. Always peeking at others’ lives searching for the last small piece that will complete the puzzle. And even if I find one new piece, the puzzle is still there, unfinished. Because it’s never enough. It needs more pieces.  

The puzzle is static. You know the end of the game. How would I know the end of my life and when the puzzle pieces are enough? I guess the answer is I won’t. So where do we go from here. Mindlessly trying things to feel the void? Going through the stages of life with the certainty that society gives as to what is to be expected and hoping that this will do the trick? Doing more? Doing less?  

What could be more in life?